With Valentine’s day coming up, I thought I would add to the love fest by sharing some of my experience on good old divorce. Victim of a twit-attack? Save your sense of humour, grab some legal advice, and remain calm. Simply follow my tried and tested guide to what NOT to indulge in, during divorce.
It’s actually NOT your fault
When he happens to have fecked off, don’t faint, and don’t fall. You haven’t failed ANYTHING or ANYONE, it’s all his miserable failure. Every last bit. Ditch the self deprecation. Stop self-bashing. Remember that one, write it on the mirror in lipstick if you don’t mind frightening the dinner guests – and remember, there will be guests again. Just because there’s one less lush at the table doesn’t mean anyone has forgotten you’re a damned good cook, they’ll still be there. In fact, now they don’t have to listen to him banging on, they won’t bloody go home. Have a taxi number handy. Practise your best yawn.
Stop typing, proofread at the thinking stage
Oh dear God, I have never been good at this one. So you’re in shock, then hurt, then sad, then – the good bit – bloody furious. Got a great vocabulary? Yeah, me too. It’s a curse. Don’t do it, think it for sure, say it if you like, scream it, sob it, but don’t write it down. Kick something instead. Better. It’s all gonna come good in the end, the truth has a way of seeping out. Here’s one of those sickening inspirational quotes to laugh at…
Don’t listen to everyone else – they’re not you
Take all the advice given – there will be LOTS – and weed it as carefully as you would a bed of herbs. Which reminds, me, smoke some herbs if you can get your hands on any, whatever helps with the inducement of calm. Reject the prosaic platitudes, keep the good stuff for later – the advice, not your son’s mates’ drugs – and for going back over when you need it, and dump the rest like a gleeful trip to the bottle bank after a party.
Stop with the doll and the pins – put them down
Easier said than done. Don’t obsess. Not over what you did wrong (er, nothing, we have covered that, remember?) not over what you might have had (yeah, it’s a whole new future, and it’s a bit scary, but eventually it will be fun) and certainly not over the person you donated your used toy to…So he only jumped because someone available was oh so ready and waiting to catch him, Quelle surprise. Because really, she won’t be all that – once you have examined the close up of the one carelessly published unfiltered photo whilst drinking your second bottle of afternoon Lambrusco – and for sure, he will have replaced you with someone less intelligent, who tells him what he wants to hear. You cannot hate her either, she’s just not that important…As my newly-gay, lovely best friend drily remarked “Jesus, Carol, I really cannot see the attraction….in either of them…”
Don’t head for the chocolate
Embrace the break up diet. OMG the skinny-minny bit, it’s worth the split – a hundred times over. As you slide on those size eight jeans remember to smirk just a little. Yeah, you look HOT. Know it, wear it – whatever you damned well WANT – use it. And of course, when you’re ready, it’ll all help with that new and improved sex life. Just imagine, no need to fake bake it any more ladies, or pretend you’re asleep…well, it wasn’t like you didn’t know that short play inside out…you can choose where, when, with whom, and how often 🙂 – Okay, so maybe the last bit is wishful thinking for me, but I do find lately I seem to get exactly what I deserve 🙂
So, if you’re like me, and you’re a bit of a handful, just think of all those really good men – with two hands.