Will I tell you 7 things you don’t know about me? Er, no. Not that I mind YOU knowing about my slightly interesting, occasionally hair-raising stories of my murky past – but, dear Stranger, because Keef the Identity Thief might just be reading over your shoulder. Horrors, he might even be a ‘friend’ already.
Which brings me to my point, and the title of this blog. Hmm, perhaps it should be ‘Would the Real Carol Byrne/Jenny Bloggs Please Stand Up’
1. I dislike...the way folk are clearly uncomfortable with themselves. You know what I mean. Why does an online diary, one without a lock that you want the whole world to read, have to be given such a soft focus? Why does everyone have to pretend to be better, wittier, more interesting than they really are? It’s a sort of Wishbook, where we get to tell everyone how great we are – rather than how shitty our lives often are.
2. I dislike…doctored photos too, especially the plethora of mindless selfies.. Even my own perfectly pretty, often spotty, 16 year old has to use a zillion effects on her never-ending instagram shots. As someone said, let’s hope none of these kids go missing – we’ll never be able to distribute a photo anyone will recognise.
Yes, I used to look like this – but I sure as hell won’t ever again! And that’s alright.
3. I dislike… the illusion everyone has that the whole world agrees with them. They’re YOUR friends, idiot. So when you throw your dummy out of the pram and then boast that everyone agreed with you on something – well…..unless you’re friends with me, you might not like me telling you you’re wrong 🙂
4. I dislike…the Chicken Licken approach. you know, The Sky is Falling Down, “I read it on Facebook so it must be true and I have to be the first to tell everyone else….” Urban Legend? Probably. Run it through Google first, you eejit.
5. I really dislike...The term Hun. Even typing that word makes me cringe. What’s that all about? Do they mean Honey? Then that’ll be Hon – and, actually, call me that at your peril. Hun. It’s not an endearment. Also, it’s a NOUN. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hun
6. I dislike...the random sharers. Dog – must share. Soldier – must share. Cute whatever – must share. If I share a dog that’s been badly treated it’s not to make you go awww. It’s because I like true justice and hope some of my friends in low places might just know that person and go and slice their bollocks off. Really. Stop spamming me. At least when I spam you I’m at least trying to sell you something 🙂
7. I dislike…the Blessed are We who are Special Brigade. If I see another fecking Halo on a smug emoticon I might flip. Keep your blessings to yourself, try doing something for someone else instead of telling me. If you love your son don’t share the picture, tell him, or make him his favourite meal or don’t nag him for a week – or something. I find it all a bit sad in the way some Facebookistas insist on telling us how lucky they are, how wonderful their mundane life is. I always get the feeling it actually ain’t – a bit like, if they say it enough….it might come true.
Disagree? So,go right ahead, unfriend me at your leisure – I really don’t mind.:) Yes I’m a grumpy old misanthrope – but at least I’m being honest, right?
Next time you sit in front of that flashing cursor on the status bar – think before you type. Or better still, log off and go hug your son/dog/cute kitten.